The Philosopher and the Worrier

The following story is based on an old parable, which I have expanded to make a point about the damaging effects of negative thinking.

Two men are travelling to an adjacent town on business, one has a philosophical outlook on life, while the other is a lifelong worrier.

The two men have decided to make the three-mile journey on foot, so they can enjoy the unexpected sunshine of a warm October day and benefit from some much-needed exercise. The philosopher wears a short-sleeved shirt, lightweight pants and comfortable shoes. He sports a pair of sunglasses. 

Despite the warm autumn weather, the worrier is wearing a raincoat and a hat, and clutches an umbrella tightly in his hand. He distrusts meteorologists and worries about their predictions being wrong.

If the worrier would trust his senses, they would tell him that this is not a short spell of freak weather. The sunshine looks certain to last. But he is too overwhelmed by negative thoughts to listen to the voice of intuition that often whispers to him. The constant buzz of negative static in his turbulent mind drowns out the voice of his long-ignored inner self.

When the two men reach the river that lies between them and the next town, they discover that a recent flash flood has washed away the only bridge across the river. The philosopher points to an outcrop of rock that extends out into the rushing river. He suggests that they walk to the end of the outcrop to get a better view, so they can figure out where to cross the swollen river.

The worrier thinks this is a bad idea. “What if we fall in?” he asks.

“We’ll probably get wet,” replies the philosopher philosophically.

Reluctantly, the worrier follows his phlegmatic companion onto the small peninsular, because he’s even more worried about being seen as a wimp than falling into the river.Years of negative, pessimistic thinking have burned an extreme and unnecessary sense of caution into the worrier's mind, so he behaves accordingly. He creeps onto the outcrop as if walking a tightrope strung across Niagara Falls. Convinced that he will lose his footing at any moment, he reaches out and grabs the philosopher’s arm. This throws the philosopher off balance and both men tumble into the churning white water below.

The icy shock of the water immediately convinces the worrier that he will freeze to death before he even has the chance to drown. But his unwarranted perception of the danger he is in has not diminished his ability to worry about trivia, so he clutches at his umbrella, worried that he might lose it in the swirling torrent. He then strikes out for the river bank, swimming frantically and awkwardly against the natural flow of the current. The raincoat he didn’t need to wear becomes waterlogged and his flailing efforts to resist the tug of the river soon exhaust him. As he sinks beneath the rushing water and drowns, his last thought is about his appearance. He’s not wearing his best suit and worries that he won’t look good when they drag his body from the river.

While the worrier anxiety is cutting short his stay on the planet, the philosopher has decided that it’s useless to fight the river. There’s no danger of his lightweight clothes becoming waterlogged, so he keeps his head above water and allows the river to take him where it will.

After throwing him around for a while, the easing current deposits the philosopher on a small sandy beach on the opposite bank. From this point it’s only a short distance into town. As he sits quietly on a rock, drying out in the warm sunshine, the philosopher thinks about the worrier. Why is it, he wonders, that some people think so negatively about life that it can literally kill them?

The philosopher can’t think of an answer to that question so, being a philosopher, he shrugs, rises from the warm rock and goes into town to report the worrier's needless demise.

The Parable of the Mustard Seed

Kisagotami [Kisa Gotami] is the name of a young girl, whose marriage with the only son of a wealthy man was brought about in true fairy-tale fashion. She had one child, but when the beautiful boy could run alone, it died. The young girl, in her love for it, carried the dead child clasped to her bosom, and went from house to house of her pitying friends asking them to give her medicine for it.

But a Buddhist mendicant, thinking “She does not understand,” said to her, “My good girl, I myself have no such medicine as you ask for, but I think I know of one who has.”

“O tell me who that is,” said Kisagotami.

“The Buddha can give you medicine. Go to him,” was the answer.

She went to Gautama, and doing homage to him said, “Lord and master, do you know any medicine that will be good for my child?”

“Yes, I know of some,” said the teacher.

Now it was the custom for patients or their friends to provide the herbs which the doctors required, so she asked what herbs he would want.

“I want some mustard seed,” he said; and when the poor girl eagerly promised to bring some of so common a drug, he added, “You must get it from some house where no son, or husband, or parent, or slave has died.”

“Very good,” she said, and went to ask for it, still carrying her dead child with her.

The people said, “Here is mustard seed, take it.”

But when she asked, “In my friend’s house has any son died, or husband, or a parent or slave?” they answered, “Lady, what is this that you say? The living are few, but the dead are many.”

Then she went to other houses, but one said, “I have lost a son”; another, “We have lost our parents”; another, “I have lost my slave.”

At last, not being able to find a single house where no one had died, her mind began to clear, and summoning up resolution, she left the dead body of her child in a forest, and returning to the Buddha paid him homage.

He said to her, “Have you the mustard seed?”

“My lord,” she replied, “I have not. The people tell me that the living are few, but the dead are many.”

Then he talked to her on that essential part of his system — the impermanence of all things, till her doubts were cleared away, and, accepting her lot, she became a disciple and entered the first path.

The Response to Margaret Thatcher's Death - What is that all about?

The death of Magaret Thatcher this week seems to have unleashed a whole wealth of emotional outpouring and whatever your political point of view, no one can deny, that she left a legacy of some sort, good and bad.

As a Cognitive Hypnotherapist, I was interested more in the extremes of emotion that have expressed, so much anger, hatred, blame, violent language, cynisicm on the one side with affection, respect, loss and sadness on the other.

So what is this all about?

I am of the school of thought that whenever we express an emotion, it is a barometer of what is really going on for us at any one particular moment, or indeed life in general. It is the clue that our unconscious is letting us know that there is something that needs to be addressed.

If, for a moment,  we take this to be true, does this mean that Margaret Thatcher's death is an opportunity for people to express long contained negative emotions regardless of who it is aimed at or is it a reflection of what is going on for them at the moment?

Or, for those you who are more into the spiritual side, is it another step on our journey as human beings? As no one can deny that we are changing as a nation, faster than ever before.

Whatever, the reason, all those who are expressing these extreme emotions and views, such as hatred, anger, ridicule, sadness, fear, guilt, blame, jealousy etc, are are doing the right thing (although, arguably inappropriately). Again, my school of thought is that by bottling up or ignoring emotions, we create a pressure cooker effect where we just accumulate more and more of the same emotion, until they eventually erupt onto some poor unsuspecting soul or group of people, such as with Margaret Thatcher.

Some medical sources are now demonstrating how potentially holding onto these negative emotions, which we replay at varying intervals, could also be damaging for the body. (Read the book by Louise L Hay, You Can Heal Your Life)

This could be because the unexpressed negative emotions are stored in the cells within the body, as memory. So that when we encounter something that triggers that memory, we also access the emotional memory. Once the event has played out,  the original memory is then updated with the new information (emotion) and stored away until the next time. Resulting in an even bigger response than last time.

An example of this can be when someone has a phobia, of say, a spider. The moment they see or know of a spider, the body goes immediately to a response, be it to run, or stand still with fear.  And this happens so quickly, the person is unaware of the process that is going. Where their brain has recognised the trigger (the spider), accessed the memory and then produces a suitable response (the emotion).

So, potentially then, not expressing negative emotions, could lead to problems for the future.

Whether all the negative emotion is literally about Margaret Thatcher is questionable. As you can see, the emotions being expressed will more likely be the accumulation of memories. 

However, I am wondering that whilst it is not respectful, whether this might be just a good thing?  Allowing people to 'get it off their chest' all that they are angry about and at the same time to clear the air ?

I live and work in and around the  Hampshire (Basingstoke), Berkshire and Surrey borders working with people who are experiencing negative emotions that manifest themselves in many different ways. Email me in confidence if you would like to know how to help yourself let these go, kim@kimsearle.co.uk

The Mousetrap

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?", the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning : "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,
but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . Alone. .. .

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it. It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital. When she returned home she still had a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued. Friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well... She died.

So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon.

And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember ---

When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to support one another.

[KS] With thanks to the unknown person who pulled this together.

Relationships - A Contract?

From the moment we arrive in this world we start to build relationships with those around us, maybe even earlier, and they can be the source of life’s pleasures or pain.

Whether we like it or not, we need other people – we are after all a sociable being, living and working in groups.

Just think about the many people who are involved in bringing us the food that we eat, the water that we drink, the people who keep our transport systems going, the emergency services.

We rely on so many unknown, faceless people to provide the numerous goods and services that contribute to our lifestyles. Over our life time we have (and form) many relationships - parents, family, lovers, husbands,  teachers, doctors, dentists, bosses, work colleagues , shop keepers, strangers who serve us. Phew - the list is endless. How we interact with each of these people differently forms the basis of a ‘relationship’

If we think about the word relate for a moment, (which is the root of the word relationship), it is a verb. And as a verb, it  implies some kind of action. So then it would be reasonable to assume that in order to relate with someone we need to do something. The origin of the word is from the Latin relate which means ‘bring back’. So on this basis perhaps  we can also assume that  we can expect something back?

And I wonder, by taking it one step further, does this mean that all relationships are actually some form of unwritten contract that we all engage in?

And what if those unwritten rules are the basis of our issues with each other? Because we develop those rules from a very early age, we never really challenge what these expectations are.  

Of course relationships are much  more complex than just expectations we have of one another, (Personality types, beliefs, values, behaviours, filters, emotions etc)  but I shall  explore this through the most important relationship we have – the one with ourselves.

For some people, they do not really take the time to understand who they are, their likes and dislikes, their drivers, and what is important to them. Hypnotherapy is one of those ways you can gain a greater understanding, which in turn will help you, help others...

So how important are you in your life?

Hypnotherapy - What happens in a Session?

I very often get asked what happens during a session, and this is sometimes difficult to answer, as each person comes with their own issues. Once we start to explore what is going on, it becomes apparent that there is always much, much more to the issues that my clients come along with.

And actually when you think about it, this is not surprising. Each of us have had our own individual upbringing, even when we have siblings.  This is due to our own unique personalities, personal interactions with events, peers, teachers, experiences etc. For example, it is like having been to a party with someone and finding that you can have had a completely different experience to them, and yet you were at the same party!

So is it any wonder that whilst we may present a typical issue, (such as feeling unhappy, work, health or relationship issues, phobias, problems with weight etc,) the underlying cause could be much more complicated?

In essence what this means for me, is that our problem is very unique to us, and so, then must be the session.

In the first session, time is spent understanding more about the presenting issue. During this session, the client speaks freely in a confidential and safe environment, about what is going on for them. As they speak, I am actively listening (paying attention as much to what is not said, as to what is) and asking incisive questions to help the client think about what they are saying, exploring more about what is going on and with each question getting closer and closer to the discovery of what is the underlying cause of the unhappiness being experienced.

"I can do that!" I hear you cry, and yes of course you can. However, there are times when you only ask the questions you know or think to ask, those that we are aware of  at that time...I liken it to the saying " Can't see the wood for the trees".

We have become so immersed in what is going on for us, that we may not be able to be objective, to be able to step back and see the bigger picture; the patterns that we are potentially experiencing which maybe closed to us.

As an objective observer,  I am looking for those patterns, the language you use, the nuances to the words you choose, that help me to ask the right questions. Sometimes like a maze it is possible to go off down the wrong avenue of enquiry, but when we get to the root course, together we can begin to make the most amazing changes!

By the end of the first session, I usually  have a good idea of how to proceed. When someone comes to see me, I usually like to finish with a relaxing script to give my client the opportunity to really enjoy a relaxing end to the session and allow me to start the change process by using what I have been told are known as "happy traps". Key words or phrases used by the client about what they would like, rather than what they don't.

Subsequent sessions are about ensuring that any negative or inappropriate emotions, behaviours and beliefs are addressed first, followed by replacing with positive and empowering ones. This can be achieved by a number of differing techniques and for Cognitive Hypnotherapy we use a number of disciplines such as counselling, coaching, NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming),  psychology plus hypnotherapy where you just have to listen!

I like to give my clients a recording, as part of the package, to aid them on their journey of change, which invariably starts straight after the first session.

Imagine that now! A change starting from the very first session you come to see me and at only £65 per session! Within a very short time (usually between 4 - 6 sessions) you could find yourself feeling so much better about things.

How much is it worth for you to feel happier and healthier? Call me now to arrange an informal chat.

The Glass of Water

A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, “How heavy do you think this glass of water is?”

The students’ answers ranged from 20g to 500gm.  
                       
 It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it is OK. If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance.

It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier.

What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again. We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on.

So today at some point - put the burden down.  You can pick it up again tomorrow if you need to. Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment if you can. Pick it up again later when you have rested.

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and we were talking about Starbucks reward cards. She had been poorly of late, and I offered to go and get the coffees and take them round to hers. “Swing by” she said “and pick up my reward card, so that I can get the points”.

Now if you didn’t know, Starbucks register each visit you make, and you build up the points until you qualify for a Gold card status. Not really sure what you get exactly, but my friend is close to the gold status and is keen to get there sooner rather than later.

I knew there was no point in arguing about it (she can be very persuasive!) although I did protest.  However, after getting the coffees, the conversation continued and I begun to feel quite agitated, mostly by the need to manage yet another ‘loyalty’ card. In fact, I then went onto to rant about how I now seemed to spend more time carrying out administrative duties for company’s services than I have ever had to do in the past.  

It was the look on her face that told me I was over reacting, and indeed I was, at which point I apologised and parked the topic.

Fortunately, my friend knows me very well.

But the point is, I was getting really agitated over something that was in fact very unimportant, so I knew that there was something much bigger going on, as I rarely get that cross these days. J 

I wonder how long I had been carrying around that burden!

So, what sort of issues cause your blood to boil, your heart to sink, your tummy to churn?

In a recent poll I carried out, https://www.facebook.com/#!/KimSearleHypnotherapy,  money seems to be the biggest stressor for people followed closely by time, or both and made me think about what causes stress.

Major Events

Everyone understands (and is probably more sympathetic) if stress is brought about by external events such as  bereavement, loss of a job, divorce, or illness. These events can wreak havoc in our life and threaten everything we have come to believe about ourselves and our lives. For most people there is usually plenty of support available from loved ones, and society to help us through this difficult time. These events tend to occur infrequently, and as a result, long term health effects can be minimal.

Daily Hassles

But could it be the daily hassles that cause us stress?

You know the sort of thing, the daily, minor irritations such as misplacing your car keys when you are in a hurry, traffic jams, minor arguments with family/colleagues, lack of sleep, job dissatisfaction, time pressures, money etc.  Research by Lazarus and Folkman (1984), at the University of California, indicated that it was these daily hassles rather than the major life events that affected us the most. 

Any constant, daily frustration caused by these hassles can result in our body frequently responding to what it sees as a threat, by releasing doses of adrenaline to help us react with the fight or flight¹ response.  Because these events occur so regularly, they become a natural part of our life, the constant release of Adrenaline which is not then used, can overtime, potentially begin to undermine our health. (Regular coughs and colds, headaches, poorly tummy etc).

And yet for many people even these daily hassles, are something that most people have learnt to live with, and do not experience any side effects.

Internal Stressors

Internal stressors, however, are more insidious stressors. These are caused by our own internal processes, and invariably we are completely unaware of their presence and effect.  

These internal stressors are like the programmes on your computer, happily running away in the background, and you only know they are there, when you experience difficulties. They can cause us to be have in ways that perversely lead to stress. Expectations of how we should be behave, finding that we 'believe' we can't do some things or constantly pleasing everyone, but ourselves. As we nearer Christmas, these internal stressors can become even louder when everyone has expectations of what a good Christmas should be, the need to make the whole event perfect for everyone or just endeavouring to keep everyone happy.

These internal stressors are more difficult to identify and then address, as it calls for some honesty in what we ask our selves and this is where hypnotherapists can help. We can find out if there are any internal programmes running that may be creating even more hassle for you than necessary, for example:-

·         Our own expectations of how things should be (particularly at Christmas)

·         Our belief in our abilities

·         Perfectionism

·         People pleasing

·         Low self esteem

·         Believing we have no control

·         Believing everyone else is better than we are

·         Lack of self belief

·         Lack of confidence

We can all recognise the major events in our lives that cause stress and have access to extra support. We can even recognise when the day to day hassles are beginning to be an issue and the various distraction techniques we employ help keep us sane.
But it is probably the internal stressors, that are running away quietly in the background that we need to be more mindful of.
If you think you may have an internal stressor causing you a problem, or carrying more than your fair share of the load of  life, then a chat costs nothing. Give me a call, or drop me an email and let’s start to explore what is really going on for you.

It doesn’t matter when you call, just that you do!

NB: Stress is an individualistic, subjective experience and therefore what one person finds stressful another may not. 

¹ flight or fight - http://psychology.about.com/od/findex/g/fight-or-flight-response.htm